Do you ever feel like you’ve fucked up so much there’s no going back?
I’ve pushed everyone away and now I can’t do anything about it. I was only trying to protect myself and in the long run I’ve only hurt myself. I want the old me back. Back when I was willing to be loved, back when I had friends who gave a shit. Now I’m alone, no one would notice if I died, no one would notice if I disappeared I don’t mean anything to anyone I cry myself to sleep with no one to talk to I try and ask for help but no one cares, it’s just me. I don’t even know how to make friends anymore I’m afraid I’m too old to find love, everyone’s gone off and found someone, everyone has a best friend and I don’t have anyone, no one to call my own just don’t know what to do anymore I’ve built up so many walls I don’t remember who I am anymore. I’m 21 and I’ve never been loved, I don’t know how to be loved, I just want out. I want it to all be over, I can’t watch my favourite films because it’s always a happy ending. Some people don’t get a happy ending, some people don’t get the life they want and it scares me that I’m that person. I’m stuck in a dead end. Everyone says if you want a fresh start go out and get it but how do you get it. Everyone has their lives and I’d just be a third wheel. I don’t have a way of making friends I just want someone, anyone to talk to me. To tell me it’s all going to be okay to tell me I’m not a screw up but if they did they’d be lying I just want someone to be there for me to love me like I love them I feel dead inside there is no light at the end of the tunnel I was born into a family that didn’t want me I’ve been ignored, abused and treated like shit. I just get used over and over again. I kid myself that maybe this ones different, this one might care but they never do I’m always just another notch in the bed post, I sit on the same bench day in day out just watching the world go by looking for a sign to keep going but that sign never comes, that sign doesn’t exist. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve lived my life, I’ve lived all there’s meant to be I don’t mean shit to anyone and that’s the best time to say goodbye. I won’t be hurting anyone, no one will miss me, there will be no empty hole in someone’s heart where I once was. I won’t even be a distant memory. I don’t want people to pretend to care I don’t want everyone saying how much they miss me and how much I meant to them. If I really mattered I’d have a sign to go on but I don’t. No one makes the effort to see me. It hurts to wake up in the mornings because I know it’s just another day of loneliness and solidarity. I wish that I wouldn’t wake up, I wish for a terminal illness just to know I won’t have to suffer much longer. I know that’s a horrible thing to say but I do I can’t bear another 60 years of this hell I hate who I am, I hate everything about myself. I just want the strength to kill myself but I’m too pathetic to even do that, I never succeed. I can’t even bring myself to eat. I offer to buy my ‘friends’ food just so I have some incentive to eat but it’s not going to happen. I cook a meal and throw it away because it hurts too much to keep myself strong. No ones even going to read this so I don’t know why I’m bothering. I just want everyone to know I tried, I tried all I could but I give up. Don’t expect a goodbye because there won’t be one.